Your relationship with yourself is the only one you are guaranteed to always have your entire life…so why not regularly spend time alone really getting to know her?
We humans are social creatures.
We are made to connect with each other and form deep, meaningful bonds – as couples, friends, family and in community.
We thrive in community – it takes a village to raise a child; it takes a village for adults to thrive.
Studies resoundingly find that those of us who have regular, meaningful connections and experiences with others are healthier, live longer and are generally happier and more fulfilled than those who live in isolation; disconnected from others; living daily lives void of regular access to and engagement in healthy community/relationships.
As a result of this particular part of our nature – a very essential, defining, important part of our nature, around which much if not all of our cultural indoctrination and social norms, mores, values and beliefs revolves – it is no surprise very few of us like the idea of being alone; very few of us like to be alone with ourselves; very few of us know how to be alone with ourselves. And society in almost every way supports/encourages us in our dislike of/lack of skill with solitude. This is evident in the way that nearly everything around us, everything we are exposed to, prioritizes our focus and energies externally to value the relationships we have with others – friends, family, partners, co-workers, children, parents, etc., above all – and encourages us to do the same.
What is rarely discussed, what is not encouraged or supported, what we’re not taught to value or prioritize or even how to do well is the relationship we have with ourselves. Which is ironic, because you are the one person guaranteed to always be in your life, therefore your relationship with yourself is the one relationship you will always have. But if we don’t like to be alone, if we don’t take time to be with ourselves, if we run from solitude like the plague … how will we ever get to know the one person we will always be in relationship with? How will we ever learn who she is, what she values, what her dreams are, what is important to her, what her priorities are, what pains her, what her fears are, what her healing journey is, what her strengths are, what her powers are, what she needs, why she says what she says and does what she does? How will we ever learn how to nurture her, love her, adore her, care for her, grow with her? How will we ever know how to teach others about her needs, wants, desires, values, etc., if she’s never alone with herself enough for her to even know? How will we ever really know how truly wonderful she is made? There is so much we learn about ourselves in community/relationship with others, there is no question about that. But, we hold within ourselves a storehouse – a treasure trove – of even more information that gets to the heart of the who, what, why and how of who we are that can explain how we show up in community/relationship with others, what has true meaning and purpose for us in our living, and why we say, believe and do what we do – information only we have; information only we have access to. And our only path to that information, that deeper understanding of ourselves, is our willingness to be alone with ourselves regularly enough, long enough and meaningfully enough to find out.
So, not only do we not like to be alone with ourselves, we don’t know how to be alone with ourselves and we don’t know the inherent value of being alone with ourselves. And as a result, many of us don’t understand or allow ourselves to experience the positivity, growth, power and healing that can come, and oftentimes can only come, when we prioritize nurturing and growing our relationship with ourselves; when we allow ourselves to be alone with ourselves; when we allow ourselves the healing power of solitude as an essential self-care practice.
WHAT SOLITUDE IS NOT:
Solitude is not loneliness … although, admittedly, it can be lonely at times. And, actually, is loneliness really such a bad thing? Loneliness simply means you are alone with yourself and just when being alone with yourself starts to feel uncomfortable you can be sure, as in relationships with others, that is when some deep learning can occur that can transform/elevate the relationship (in this case your relationship with you). Don’t run from the discomfort of being with yourself anymore than you would run from the discomfort you may experience in being alone with another in any other relationship. If at times your solitude brings on some loneliness then you are doing it absolutely right – lean into the loneliness and yourself to receive the important learning that is there for the benefit of growing and deepening your relationship with you.
Solitude is not self-imposed isolation … it certainly doesn’t have to be; although out of balance with our human need for meaningful socializing and connection it can be negatively isolating when done in extreme.
Solitude is not being anti-social or shy….the things you learn about yourself when you regularly allow yourself to spend time alone with you better prepares you to show up authentically, honestly, whole and complete when you engage with others.
Solitude is not selfish….one of the most giving and serving things you can do for those you care about and love is to regularly spend time alone with yourself; to nurture your relationship with yourself. The truth and honesty that results, the whole and complete person fully informed about who they really are and what they really value that comes forth from time spent alone being with yourself is a gift to every relationship that is meaningful for you. Besides if you’re unwilling to be alone with yourself it is rather unfair (never mind unrealistic) to expect that anyone else would want to be alone with you either.
Solitude is not boring….learning to enjoy spending time alone with yourself can be the most fun. You learn what you like to do, how you like to do it and you allow yourself the gift of doing just that for yourself.
Solitude is not a zero-sum game…choosing solitude does not negate your need/interest/love/value of connecting or being in relationship with others. Solitude is what is necessary for you to be your best most authentic you when you engage with others. A balanced life is a life that allows time and space both for your relationships with others as well as your relationships with yourself. You can and should create a life and lifestyle that allows you to do both.
WHAT SOLITUDE IS:
Solitude is conscious choosing…consciously choosing to invest time/energy/effort into getting to know who you are and being with your true self – the one person you are always in relationship with; this is the power of solitude…and solitude is self-care at its finest and most essential.
Solitude is powerful affirmation…. that you value you and that you value all the things only you can learn from you about you; all the things only you can teach you about yourself.
Solitude is stillness, quiet and peace….necessary elements in a healthy life and required to be able to truly listen to yourself, hear what she has to say, understand what she truly believes, honor her feelings/needs/desires, understand her motivations, and make clear/conscious/intentional choices that serve her highest good and truest dreams.
Solitude is healing…the storehouse of knowledge and treasure trove of information we hold within ourselves about ourselves has everything to do with what brings true healing to our hurts/pains/sadness/disappointments/fears/traumas. While there are those with expertise who can help us access that information, we should never underestimate our own powers to do so for ourselves. Solitude is the place and space where we can allow ourselves our truest honesty about the nature of us and our lives; the place and space where we can come face-to-face with our feelings and struggles and triumphs; the place and space where we can make the kinds of deep commitments to ourselves about how we will move forward in ways that honor our hearts, free our spirits and to which only we can hold ourselves accountable.
Solitude is re-connecting and re-membering …reconnecting with yourself and re-membering you to yourself. Nearly everything in our day-to-day living is designed – in some way whether in form or by function – to take us away from ourselves; disconnect us from ourselves; keep us from listening to and hearing ourselves; keep us from knowing and believing in ourselves – from trusting ourselves (work, parenting, family, community, relationships, media, advertising, social media, education, politics, economics, – the traditional systems, mores, norms, beliefs in which these all function and in which we all operate – everything). Solitude allows us the opportunity to repair and strengthen that disconnect with ourselves and to move forward in our living honoring and protecting that reconnection. Solitude allows us to re-member ourselves to the truth of ourselves that living out in the world and its systems often and regularly works to separate us from ourselves. Spending time regularly reconnecting to yourself, re-membering yourself to yourself, is the path to wholeness. And it is that wholeness that strengthens your commitment to moving forward in the world and through all its systems whole and complete, rather than disconnected and dismembered. Solitude that helps you achieve and live this kind of wholeness is essential self-care practice.
Solitude is self-valuing, self-affirming and self-empowering…in this extroverted/externally-focused world that works in so many ways to disconnect us from ourselves – our truths, our values, our feelings, our dreams – choosing to spend time communing with yourself is its own form of radical, revolutionary self-empowerment. Regularly choosing solitude says to the world “I value me / I value the time I spend with me / I value and honor the things I learn, what I have to say, and the feelings I have when I am alone with me / I value the commitments, decisions and choices I make for myself when no one is around because I know the single most important relationship I will ever have is the only one I will always have and that is my relationship with myself.”
Solitude is self-management and mastery of self….it is knowing what you truly believe and who you truly are; it is achieving clarity on what is true and authentic for you; it is owning your feelings, choices, decisions and actions and not making others responsible for what is yours (and just as important not making you responsible for what is theirs!)… Solitude is the precious gift you give to yourself which in turn allows you to be fully present and engaged, honestly and authentically, as the precious gift you are to others.
Solitude is fundamental and essential ….Solitude is fundamental because it is your relationship with/to yourself that defines (whether consciously or unconsciously) all the other relationships you have (or do not have) in your life. Solitude is essential because it is the singular pathway to engaging and reaping the rewards of a conscious, intentional relationship with the one person you are guaranteed to always be in relationship with for the entirety of your life …. You!
Not liking to be alone; being unwilling or afraid of spending time by ourselves with ourselves – our thoughts, our feelings, our hurts, our pains, our traumas, our dreams, our desires, our deep truths; conflating solitude with loneliness; keeping ourselves shackled to the cult of ‘busy’ so that we’re so deep in the doing of things in our lives we leave no time for us to be with ourselves being in our lives….all this is what results from generations of societies focused on, and designed to have us focus on, all the other relationships necessary for humans to survive but for the one relationship absolutely essential for us to thrive … that is our relationship with ourselves. We have entered many a new era with the 21st century – socially, politically, economically, etc. – it seems to me it is time we all commit to fully entering the era of conscious, intentional ‘solituding’ as an essential self-care practice that will allow us to learn from, grow from, grow with, honor, nurture, serve, support, encourage, enliven and elevate the one, single, most important, life-defining and powerful relationship we will always ever have…our relationship with ourselves.
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